its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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