Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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