I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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