she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
she pinky promised me she was 18
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
