I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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