Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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