guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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