Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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