Betty ford says i'm here all night
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
