Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
How does it feel to date your dad?
as a side note pls kill me
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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