CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
