Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
