Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
