the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
