somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
