just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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