I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
