mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
