If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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