Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
