i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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