guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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