then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
