I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
