i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
