She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
