there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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