are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
