oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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