Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
