Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I will pee on everything he values.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
