this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
