I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
