[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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