I am spending my child support on dildos
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
