Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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