Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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