In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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