I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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