my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
