evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I look better un-naked...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
