he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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