Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
