brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
