Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
