You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
