Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
