Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
