The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
