god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
