my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
